Torn Between Lovers

I survived my first night away from Cooper. I only cried once. I just love that little guy! Tanner and I had a very nice time on our mini-vaca. Good food, good shopping, good company.....good times!  Quality hubby time got me thinking about when we first got married. My goodness! That seems like ages ago. I guess it's true that time flies when you're having fun.

I was reminded of a conversation I had with my oldest sister just before our wedding. And, no, it didn't involve birds or bees. After she got married, but before I did, Terra told me that being married had taught her so much about God's character. I thought that was interesting, but I didn't really get it until I was married. She was so right! It's hard to explain.....like being engaged is all about the butterflies. Being married gave me a new perspective on just how amazing God's unfailing love really is. Well, becoming a parent brought about another one of those moments for me. Realizing just how much God loves me.

There is a song by Bethany Dillon that floored me the first time I heard it. She was able to actually express everything I had been feeling. The song begins:

I'm trying to find a moment with you

These days are speeding by

This ring gives me a new point of view

I'm a dealer in my time

If I can make a confession

My time is torn between

The man who won my affection

And the God who made me

It all looks different,

But that doesn't mean anything has changed.

Whoa!!!  This is exactly how I've felt since getting married! The world around me is the same, but I have changed dramatically. How do I find balance between my heavenly father and my earthly husband. Trying to give each relationship the time it deserves can be difficult. And then we had a baby and it hit a whole new level. How do I love each adequately?

The second verse continues:

I look at the life of Anna

Her presence was your home

I look at the life of my mother

Praying on her back porch

I want to be that mother.  I want my child to remember me as a person for whom prayer is a lifestyle. That my relationship with God is the most important thing to me.  I want my love for God to be evident by the priority I give Him with my time.

The chorus brings everything together:

Still I, I reach for You

When I, I am afraid

And this breath that comes from You

Helps me say Your name

This song helped me realize that I can never love God adequately. But if I try to love God with everything I am, that will overflow into my other relationships. Tanner will feel respected and appreciated. Cooper will feel loved and safe. If I keep reaching for Christ not just when I'm afraid, but when I'm tired, or joyful or overwhelmed, He will sustain me. He will help me balance all of the demands on my time and affection. One day I will be required to give an account for how I spent my time on Earth. All I want to hear is, "Well done."