Today, I can tell you. Room 106. I know this because it took my breath away as I walked into that same room yesterday. We have a new niece in the family. She was born in room 106. As we headed to the hospital last night to meet Baby Girl, it crossed my mind that it could be the same room. I thought surely it wouldn't be. And even if it was.......no big deal. I can handle this.
After all, I had been to the hospital where Coop was in the NICU. I had survived that. I was also holding Cooper's hand as we walked into the room. I look at him and he is healthy and smart and funny! He is amazing! But for some reason I can't let go of how his little life started. I tried really hard to hold back my emotions, but I had little minute where I let some of my crazy out. Just to Tanner's mom - she could see that I was having a hard time. She just gave me a hug and said, "But just look at him!" And after that, I was emotional for all sorts of other reasons. One being that I am incredibly blessed with amazing in-laws!
It's so amazing to see a family complete. This will be the final addition to this particular little family. Two precious, perfect girls. Mom and Dad are overjoyed and have a sense and wholeness about their family now. It was sweet to see Big Sis holding Baby Girl. She loves that little one so much already. She also wanted to scare her. Big Sis was saying "BOO!" to everyone in the room. We had to remind her that Baby Girl is still very new and might not like being scared quite yet. Big Sis just didn't want Baby Girl to miss any of the fun.
There is nothing in this world like holding a newborn. The weightlessness of this little bundle that bears so much importance. She is the last piece of the puzzle. She is miraculous. She is absolutely perfect. She is fearfully and wonderfully made.
Maybe I'm not meant to let go of the agony I feel over the way my first child entered the world. Maybe I'm destined to hold on to these feelings forever. Maybe it's meant to serve as a near constant reminder that God is good. He used those days to humble us and to nurture us. I have never been more desperate for God than I was in that week. I pray that I can live in daily desperation.
Psalm 119:50 My comfort in my suffering is this. Your promise preserves my life.
I remember sitting in the cafeteria at the hospital waiting not-so-patiently to take my son home. I read this verse and immediately thanked God and started praying it over Cooper. It was comfort in my suffering. God's promise was preserving my child's life. Not the doctors or the oxygen or all those rotten tubes. God' promise! Thank you GOD for your unfailing promises!
Room 106 - forever filled with joy.......and a little bit of sorrow.