Blessings

I've been struggling a lot lately. I have had to come to terms with the facts of my new life as a mom.  I prayed so many times that God would give us a child. And now, in all honesty, there are times I want to give him back. There are times when I miss the days when there were very few demands on me or my time. I love Cooper more than I ever thought possible, but things have not been as I expected since his arrival.

I still mourn the loss of the those first precious moments most moms get to spend snuggling with their llittle bundle. I never got a chance to have the "mom holding a swaddled lump with dad standing by the hospital bed" picture.  I didn't get to see my husband hold our brand new baby immediately after he was born. This may sound selfish and trivial, but these are the things I expected.  These were the moments I was looking forward to. But I have to realize that I am extraordinarily blessed. After all, my baby got to come home. My baby is perfectly healthy (if you don't count reflux and some serious gas).  My husband is here and helpful. But I still regret not having those experiences.

I also regret not enjoying my maternity leave. I have been so consumed with taking care of Cooper that I don't feel like I have stopped to just enjoy him. I have been more concerned with feedings than with getting to know my baby. More worried about spit up than smiles.  I pray that my negligence hasn't stunted the development of our relationship. I am grateful that he doesn't much of a memory yet - haha!

I guess this all boils down to expectations. Pregnancy, labor, delivery - all went as expected, maybe better!  I feel like everything after that has been someone else's life.  It was some other baby that was in the hospital for a week. Some other mommy who spends half her life crying on the phone to her mom. Some other wife who hands her child over to her husband at the end of a long day and says, "I need a break."  I know I probably had unrealistic expectations of what parenthood would be like. But this has been really hard.  Everyone tells you how difficult it is having a new baby.  But they all tell you it's so worth it. I'm here to say there are times I've had my doubts. Unmet expectations have almost been the death of me over this last few weeks. However, I feel like my expectations are becoming more realistic. I'm learning to enjoy Cooper and respect the person that he is. But it is still hard not to mourn the loss of the things I know I've missed.  I pray that I am not too stubborn to change or to see what God wants to teach me through these experiences.

My sister, Terra, shared this song with me a while ago (totally worth the 99 cents on iTunes by the way). I can't listen to it without bursting into tears. Just a reminder that what we've been through (and everything we will go through in the future) is all God's will for us and our family.   Take a moment to read through the lyrics to Laura Story's Blessings and thank God for the blessings in your life.  Especially those mercies is disguise.


We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise